i think it's coming to an end... we argued again... i really think we need to do some serious talking... whether we will going on like tat for the rest of our life or change for the better or part ways so we both can live better... a talk to settle this... since we r alr getting on each other nerves, its better to talk out now before matters turn for the worse... i guess this time will be it alr... we are reaching our end... not perfect but memorable... i will still walk away with a smile and a broken heart... but i am thankful for the exp... its sad to let go but its painful to keep it going... i dun think i can bear another pain anymore... i really hope to change for the better... but he doesn't see the change in me... that wat is the pt of trying then... when he doesn't see it... i am close to breaking alr... i want to settle this... see how far we can go on... how am i suppose to do now? i really dunno anymore... T-T

i think both of us are getting real close to just giving up on one each other... we just dun understand wit each other... he picks on my flaws and to him i nv change my flaws... he insist his views on me without allowing me to state mine and just becuz i hv no proof, i am not allow to voice my views?? that is not fair... some things just doesnt  need proof to proof tat my views are rite... or is it tat hard to hear my pov and SHUT UP for once? And i hv no fucking idea why he insist that i dun understand wat he trying say... honestly i do... but please! his jokes and sarcasm are so serious sometimes i can't tell whether i take it seriously or not... ya maybe its my fault for taking his "so call" jokes seriously... but hey! if he was observant enough, he probably notice that i was alr feeling unhappy... UNFORTUNATELY he didn't and yet he told me to wait and monitor... when he didn't even do it and you expect me to do it... so its like telling u are perfect and i am not??? he can pinpoint my flaws and yet i can't pinpoint his? just becuz i can't change flaws so i have no rite to say his? is tat wat he thinks? and does he really thinks that i am not up to his standard? if that is so, then leave me!! It might be better for him to leave me and find another girls which to him is just a piece of cake... finding a new girl or new r/s is nv a prob to him anyway... so leave me! Find himself a better one! It might just be better... i mean why bother sticking ard me and telling me countless time i nv change and that he is sick of repeating himself and telling me tat i love to turn a good conversation bad... if he just can't take me or handle me, then dun stick ard... why feel pissed and unhappy abt me when he can easily leave me.... won't tat make his life so much easier?... after 1 yr plus, he is still so pissed abt me not changing... wat about him? I had alr give and take... i know he is like tat and yet i still live with it... if he is so insisting of me changing, why dun he change his flaws too? Be a bit MORE CARING, SENSITIVE, give lil SURPRISES, be a lil UNDERSTANDING and LISTEN to me!! VERY HARD MEH!!!! He nv tries to put much effort into the r/s so why do i have to put so much just for him... when end up, it doesn't mean anything to him... WHY am i always de one to GIVE IN! WHY can't he come and pacify me? There are just so many WHYs and yet none of them come across his mind... I just SO HATE him! SUPER HATE! I wonder does he really love me... maybe he dun! Who knows he is looking that GIRL! GRRRRR I SO WANT TO CRY BUT I CANT!!!!

i think i like another guy... although i know tat i am in a wonderful relationship now... its not tat i am unhappy with it.... but somehow i just happen to like someone but yet still enjoy being in a relationship.... i know its wrong to like someone when i alr have someone else in my heart... but yet things just happen... but the safe part is the person i like doesn't like me back... so i can keep my feeling a secret... and keep myself on track and focus in my relationship... and i am very happy in my relationship... although we have our arguments, it will be solve in matter of hrs as he will give in to my reckless and guilty behavior... i dunno how much of his so call guarantee tat he won't break up with me as he said watever he promised in the relationship he will do it and keep it tat way... but as i know everyone has their limits... just matter how tolerant they are before their limit is reached.... either way i am glad to know and be with him... anyway the reason i end up liking someone was becuz the one i am with has some flaws which i dislike and find it heartbreaking... but dude c(the one i like) can replace those flaws and yet still maintain the same character as dude L (the one i am with).... but i think there is something abt dude C tat cant replace my dude L is tat dude L has the same interest with me... gaming!... Dude C doesn't like gaming but he is extramely mature when comes to handling problems i face and explaining what it should be done and how the problems should be face... which i find pretty comforting... but Dude L doesn't... he just see from his pov and think tat i should see from his pov too... which i dun agree... tat somehow will lead to arguments.... both have their pros and cons... but i guess i am more fated with dude L... even if i had known dude C eariler, we won't be together as he was attached then... and he won't like a girl like me... therefore dude L will fit me just nice... but i dun want to lose dude C as a friend... i would like him as a close friend... just like wz... lol... like sista or bros... lol... although dude L has his flaws... i am sure i can over see that... since i have more flaws than him and he is over seeing them so i guess i won't abandon him... only if he wants to abandon me... then we will be over... if not, i am just happy being with him... so dude C, when fates come then we will be together... for now... i just lub my dude L... he is sweet and caring... i lub the way he cares for me when i am sick... but i hates it when he thinks his games are more impt although i am damn excited to hear abt his raids... lol... he just bought ps3 2 days ago... and even get the lil big planet game for me... omg... i love tat game... so want to go his hse to play again...unfortunately... i am not allowed to go as i had been going out with him for 2 days alr... and my fam doesn't like it... so i am going to stay home on sun... =(... but either way... i will go his hse soon and play... and watched him play... anyway i just need to say this out... as i feel uncomfortable keeping inside... sigh... i hope this feeling will pass soon... and focus on my bao... lol... anyway I Lub U, Bao!  =)

i think i am losing the bet to myself... i told myself nv to fall too deep into a relationship as i will nv know wat will happen... who knows... we might break out the very next day... and i will be damn hurt... which i totally want to be tat pain... call me a scary cat... but i dun think i can take it... therefore i always prevent myself from falling too deep in the relationship... but i think i am losing it... i think i have fallen to deep into it... i cant stop smiling to myself everything i think of something we did the last time we met... even if we argue over something somehow next time he will find his ways to explain things to me... but usually i give in after i gave some tot to wat he had just said... these few days we met were proof of i had fallen too deep into the relationship... its not till tat i can't live without u kind of deep... just miss him even more then ever... seriously meeting 4 times have causes me to miss him even more... the usual 2 times or less meeting weren't so bad as i was used to it... but last week was different... we met more than usual... and i kinda like it... and swear to god, i won't expect another week to be the same as last becuz i understand his work and shifts... so will tend not to expect more... although i wish every week can be like tat but i think tat will be a bit too much... so 2 times or less will be ok for me... i swear this is the end of me... the strong and not bother girl is gone from me... and dependent and whiny girl is here to stay... (i only whine to him and it didnt work -.-)... sighz... what will i do? I cannot go anymore deeper... i will lose my head... and i won't be able to take it also... i hope to be strong and face watever will happen in the future... as i dunno how long we last... despite he thinks i am his "last" gf... which i highly doubt so as he did not feel sad losing a girl so losing me shouldn't be a pain too... so i know tat he will always have another one even after we are no longer together... which is something i am relieve and sad about too... Relieve becuz he will always have someone better... Sad is he will nv be sad or heartbroken when i am no longer with him... but i guess its part and parcel of life... so we all will have to go thru it... and move on with life... its hard but at least its better then stay in the same painful spot... BUT whatever is it, i will enjoy de moments with him and protect myself from his evil claws! i dun believe i losing my 1st time to him becuz we are in relationship... therefore i will have to protect myself from him... kekee... and enjoy his love for me... (^ ^)... and wait to see what life has planned for me... for the moment i will enjoy the journey with him... lol~

u know i think i am not unreasonable or nonsensical towards him sometimes but totally out of true feelings... yet he thinks i am being unreasonable and trying to make a big fuss of something that dun make sense... seriously i wonder does even know how i feel sometimes or not? or we just going according to how he feels? SERIOUSLY! i dun fucking give a damn to how to spend his cash or wat he want to do... but is it so hard just to meet even its just for dinner? why bother wat we going to do after tat or wat? isn't it the company of each other is better even thou we are not doing anything? i was damn upset about what he said yesterday... he told me he was broke... i was like fine... so i said how about we meet for dinner then... GUESS WAT his FUCKING reply was... eating at home is better becuz its free... WTF! he rather save money than to meet me! HELLO!! if he realize, we do NOT meet very OFTEN! once a week or the most twice? (seriously i envy those can meet once a month and still have a nice relationship) apparently even if i just met him and next day i just causally text him i miss him... he would just repiled what? we just met yesterday! OMG! like missing is a crime! and who said missing someone must at least be few days laters or weeks laters!?!? if tat is the case, might as well just meet once a year... so i can miss him few months later... (so wtf -.-) i am seriously damn moody because of this... and guess what he doesn't even know tat i am feeling moody! sometimes i wonder should i end the relationship or be patient with him as me of all ppl should know what his character is like... but seems like a dead end to me... either way dun seems very bright to me... (sighz) i alr hate the fact we can't meet as often as we can as his job doesn't allow us too... (why can't i like someone who has a normal day job...sighz) yet he doesn't want to meet becuz he is tired or watever reason... seriously i think this week we shouldn't meet at all... since he wants to save the fucking money then fine... let's not meet until he gets his fucking pay and i get! we can jolly well date in game or better still dun bother about each other... well? isn't tat a nice plan? he get what he wants and i do wat i want... and not waste time waiting for him... why should i plan my days to fit his... when in the end, we can't meet... won't i be wasting my time? why should i miss my own time with my friends then to wait for him... beside to him, meeting or not it doesn't matter at all... so why should i even be the one to do the missing and waiting? fuck him man! why can't he be the one to fits into my timing or follows according to me? why can't he be the one who will miss and wait for me? just because i am a girl? then fuck him and his so called mature tots... sorry! to me, his thoughts are nv matured! to me, his thoughts are only on games, work, eat and slp!! what so fucking mature about that? like tat everyone can be a minster of a fucking country man! seriously, i am not going to meet this week... happy resting man! BASTARD! i hate u!!!